Self Compassion- a dialogue with oneself

It’s exam season. Everyone around seems tense, there seems to be so much at stake, for children and more so for parents. One feels sad and pitiful. It could be so different.

I was fortunate to be raised by parents who for some reason did not pressure me ever over academics. I do not recall any instance of an altercation with either my mother or my father over studying, how many marks I got, why did I lose marks carelessly etc. In retrospect, maybe this is why for me, the process of learning has been an enjoyable one. I do not feel nervous around it or hate it; in fact I look forward to the intellectual stimulation that comes with it. Those of you who know me will also know that I didn’t do too badly at academics in school and college (Engg being a different story altogether though!)

When I reflect back now, with some grey hair, and a better understanding of human behaviour, I realize that there was something that my parents did then which was quite right. They balanced responsibility with kindness. And that in turn instilled in me confidence to face exams with the best that I could put forth. Responsibility was a daily affair, I had to take care of my own homework and study my daily portions. Kindness surfaced when I struggled with concepts, they let me take my time and figure it out, chipping in as required. In the end I realized through a process of patient learning that it is possible to master most things well, giving it time and disciplined attention.

Kristin Neff talks about self-compassion as an extension of some of the above aspects- she calls it kindness towards self, common humanity and mindfulness. Kindness towards oneself begins with a language that we inherit typically from those around us (see my last post on this). If this language is of judgment then kindness is likely to be the first casualty. This then begins to haunt us down every time the teacher circles something in red in our answer sheets or we lose marks to “silly” mistakes. Now this label “silly” goes and attaches itself not to the mistake but to the individual. And because someone starts seeing themselves as “silly” they pretty much stop working on getting it right. The judgment takes over. Some might argue that kindness to self means lowered standards or lenience. It’s useful to be aware that treating oneself with kindness is possibly the best way to move towards better performance in a way that is aligned from within. Judgements are external drivers, beyond a point they stop working. So is the case with external comparisons, it does no good to your child’s sense of individuality and self-esteem. Leniency is a sign of weakness, kindness comes from a place of strength where you choose to offer yourself support to grow using a language that focuses on what is possible.

Common humanity, the second aspect of self-compassion, acknowledges the frailty that all of us possess and works from that broken space. It shuns the language of the victim that says “Why me?” knowing very well that the very meaning of life has failures, disappointments, difficulties and challenges. In fact it goes further and understands that as humans we are connected in this suffering, and there is a shared inclusive reality that all of us are going through.

The third aspect, mindfulness, is an acknowledgement of the present from a detached place. It does not mean avoiding emotions but carrying a witnessing element towards them. I like to term this “Wrestling in the mud” with the emotion, rather than getting clouded by it. Touch it, feel it, sense it, describe it, make friends with it. Witness what it does to your body, to your thoughts, the behaviours that it urges you towards, witness it all. While doing so become aware of how these thoughts and feelings are here for now, and a while later some new ones will take their place. Mindfulness is mindful awareness.

All of us need to cultivate this language of self-compassion if we want ourselves to be kind, compassionate and empathetic human beings. Compassion, like charity, begins at home, with yourselves.