Plane Truths
Have been living out of a suitcase and airplane for the last four days. Some fundamental questions need to be cleared before I can breathe easy. Be warned you might feel insulted by some of these as you might be guilty of some of these acts
1. I am 6ft tall almost. Am ogre like and hard to miss. Yet at airports gentlemen and not so gentle women pass through me to get to the counter as if I don’t exist. I was making way for the guy who was exiting and there you go, you had a fat Delhi bred Punju woman who had defied her ample self and occupied my rightful place at the check in counter. Now you know why Punjab is closest to the border. The whole state probably wrestled its way there. (Sorry for this rather emotional outburst!)
2. Have you seen the run for your lives scramble that happens when the flight boarding announcement takes place? I wonder whether the guys who queue up first at departure actually reach the destination earlier.
3. Anytime of the day or night, all air travelers have an obsessive compulsive disorder of reading the newspaper the moment, the very moment they enter the flight. Some news just can’t wait I guess. It’s also a smart way of avoiding painful acquaintances by covering the face up.
4. There is always Mr Babloo Srivastava who usually makes the first announcement on the plane. He incidentally is not the crew but a passenger. He is letting his relative know loud and clear that he is aboard the aircraft. At that decibel I wonder does he really need a phone to send the message across.
5. Ok this is the BIG one. Who owns the common arm rest? When will we stop fighting elbow wars? When will we sign an MOU with the guy sitting next to us and say half the flight I take it the rest of it, u can. Did the DGCA ever have this in its travel policies?
6. Why is there always that one nincompoop who doesn’t understand that switching off the cell phone is not a statutory warning like the cigarette smoking one on packs. Can I suggest changing this instruction to “Please switch off your cell phone first and also ensure that the guy sitting next to you is doing so”
7. The safety instruction routing which includes my fave line “Agar vimaan ko paani mein utarna pade” is passé. I will never remember those lines when death’s staring me in the face. And how many of us have read the “safety instruction card in the seat pocket for further details”
8. Seat recliners are nice, as long as they don’t cause knee fracture to the guys sitting right behind. I’ve survived two lethal attempts. Might not be third time lucky
9. The last guy who pees- this one’s not too common but common enough to report here. Usually happens just before landing when the pilot’s got the cabin crew to take their positions and the ATCs cleared the path. One old uncle who probably suffers from an irritable bladder or landing related OCD gets up and tries to make his way to the loo.
10. In addition to Afzal we should be hanging some other chaps. The ones whose cell phones beep even as the plane is landing.
11. As with boarding, the scramble to get out of the plane first is equally amusing. It’s a bit like how we drive in Mumbai streets. You just won’t let guys coming from the lanes to come into the main road. So it’s quite funny to see how people waiting in their streets try to cut in into the moving aisle queue. No honking or stopping here. Accidents of course are common.
1. I am 6ft tall almost. Am ogre like and hard to miss. Yet at airports gentlemen and not so gentle women pass through me to get to the counter as if I don’t exist. I was making way for the guy who was exiting and there you go, you had a fat Delhi bred Punju woman who had defied her ample self and occupied my rightful place at the check in counter. Now you know why Punjab is closest to the border. The whole state probably wrestled its way there. (Sorry for this rather emotional outburst!)
2. Have you seen the run for your lives scramble that happens when the flight boarding announcement takes place? I wonder whether the guys who queue up first at departure actually reach the destination earlier.
3. Anytime of the day or night, all air travelers have an obsessive compulsive disorder of reading the newspaper the moment, the very moment they enter the flight. Some news just can’t wait I guess. It’s also a smart way of avoiding painful acquaintances by covering the face up.
4. There is always Mr Babloo Srivastava who usually makes the first announcement on the plane. He incidentally is not the crew but a passenger. He is letting his relative know loud and clear that he is aboard the aircraft. At that decibel I wonder does he really need a phone to send the message across.
5. Ok this is the BIG one. Who owns the common arm rest? When will we stop fighting elbow wars? When will we sign an MOU with the guy sitting next to us and say half the flight I take it the rest of it, u can. Did the DGCA ever have this in its travel policies?
6. Why is there always that one nincompoop who doesn’t understand that switching off the cell phone is not a statutory warning like the cigarette smoking one on packs. Can I suggest changing this instruction to “Please switch off your cell phone first and also ensure that the guy sitting next to you is doing so”
7. The safety instruction routing which includes my fave line “Agar vimaan ko paani mein utarna pade” is passé. I will never remember those lines when death’s staring me in the face. And how many of us have read the “safety instruction card in the seat pocket for further details”
8. Seat recliners are nice, as long as they don’t cause knee fracture to the guys sitting right behind. I’ve survived two lethal attempts. Might not be third time lucky
9. The last guy who pees- this one’s not too common but common enough to report here. Usually happens just before landing when the pilot’s got the cabin crew to take their positions and the ATCs cleared the path. One old uncle who probably suffers from an irritable bladder or landing related OCD gets up and tries to make his way to the loo.
10. In addition to Afzal we should be hanging some other chaps. The ones whose cell phones beep even as the plane is landing.
11. As with boarding, the scramble to get out of the plane first is equally amusing. It’s a bit like how we drive in Mumbai streets. You just won’t let guys coming from the lanes to come into the main road. So it’s quite funny to see how people waiting in their streets try to cut in into the moving aisle queue. No honking or stopping here. Accidents of course are common.
Comments
Vivek
You remember that one time when i had gone to Delhi I almost had a skimish on board becuase one typical govt. babu didn't want his suitcase (that small echolac kind) to be sligtly moved so my bad could come in there. Of course, we won that battle thanks to Akash telling that guy to shut-up and sit-down!