Ajith Nair

Looked like it will be yet another Saturday of household chores, family and then catching the world cup final at home from the confines of one’s couch. A tweet offering last minute tickets was bait, a huge one. It not only meant paying a bomb but also getting out of the couch getting to Wankhede in no time, no time for mental preparations, if you know what I mean. Time was running away. In 60 minutes, I had the decision, the tickets in place and that nervous feeling which said “What am I headed to” A suburban local train ride in Mumbai always puts things in perspective. It was ‘me’ time, almost like I was preparing for the game. Bat first get to 300, if we chase we lose, will Sachin get to 100, who’ll play Malinga, what if he does a Kenya to us. I looked around and everyone in the compartment seemed on their way to work or some such, I seemed out of place, why weren’t these guys excited, nervous, chatting about the game. I had to talk to myself; there was no one around who seemed inter...

Air Force One avoided precisely four bird hits, and three misguided diwali rockets from Kurla to land on some loose sand and gravel at CSIA Mumbai. In a major security breach that could possibly embarrass all Indians and Americans alike, President Obama received a call on his BB even as he had just landed, offering to sell him Insurance, Auto Loans, Home Loans, personal loans and a car loan. Sensing it to be an Al Qaeda Trojan call, the Secret Service urged him to continue the call, while they put a quick trace on it. President Obama took the call from his secret chamber inside Air Force One even before he stepped out to wave and greet India. A brief transcript of the conversation is available exclusively with this newspaper and exclusively with 200 other newspapers too Telecaller (TC): Good morning, kya mein Barack Obama ji se baat kar sakti hoon? BO: WTF!!! Telecaller (TC): My apologies sir. Can I speak to Mr. Barack Obama? BO: Yes this is Barack Telecaller: Sir this is Sally calli...

In a strange turn of things, the President of the US, Barack Obama landed at an undisclosed location one day before schedule on Diwali Day and met with a host of undisclosed Indians in a show of solidarity. 1. Bal T: While Obama insisted on using a translator into Marathi, this meeting was short-lived because most expletives uttered by Bal T were beyond the comprehension of the interlocutor. It is reported that Bal T provided a one sentence suggestion to Barack O to get rid of the Taliban “Burn their taxis and beat them up and they will go back to where they came from” 2. Rakhi Sawant: In a special episode of Rakhi ka Insaaf called Raakhi ka Insaaf v/s Guantanamo Bay Rakhi taught the President and the CIA how to use verbal torture and killer looks to neutralize opponents. It is said that the President himself seemed absolutely awestruck by Ms Sawant’s candidness in laying it bare in more ways than one 3. Big Boss: In what could be called TV History, President Obama met the Big Boss in ...

The IPL is the biggest private party that anyone’s ever had in India. While we can debate who the host is, who’s serving drinks, who’s invited and gate crashing, the party is here to stay. It is a metaphor for the raunchiness that pervades a society’s mind that is coming to grips with its identity caught in the time warp between hallowed ideala and a materialistic identity. It’s about the collective subjecting itself to a sin, knowing in its conscience that this is wrong The layering makes the case very interesting. The nomenclature of the teams has an aggressive tone to it; battle cries adorn all their team songs. Every team has a either a glamorous owner or a ravishing ambassador, the late night parties being the story of legendary exploits of players off the field. There are skimpily clad cheerleaders, being treated as feminine objects, meant to prance about in a gladiatorial setting. Every inch of space, on the ground, in the mind has been sold, franchised commercialized labeled. R...

The ideology space in society is constantly shifting and changing. As we go global and create the Indian way of doing global things, the debate on what we are all about is hitting us, sometimes in a rather shallow manner. The idea that one can have multiple identities yet be an Indian, seems to put uncomfortable question marks on some faces, the numbers of these only increasing. Not to say that PLU (People like Us) have got it all right. Our ideology stems from conveniently shaping a world around us as we deem fit. So this might mean displacing farmers, getting rid of slums, marginalizing the poor and sanitizing the city. This might also mean thrusting upon society a model of progress that is marked by greater material gain, a wider global footprint and a more liberal outlook, as we see it. Our acceptance of alternate spaces, lifestyles, points of view is limited, and is paid lip service to in debate forums. Real data if measured might reveal that our understanding, empathy and drive t...

Three idiots was entertaining and thought provoking. It seemed easy to stand at the sidelines and label those who follow curriculum as boring. Conversely, it seemed fascinating that one day everyone would find their calling if they followed their hearts, and become inventors, artists, thinkers and geniuses. The world would become a great place to live in with everyone doing what they’re essentially good at. The problem with this chimera seems to be, how can one reliably know that this is it. How do we figure out that this is what we are made for and there isn’t anything better to do out there? The simple answer is one probably can't and this has its own perils. Look no further than Mumbai where a spate of suicides has taken place in the recent past by children who’ve been rejected by a system that suddenly seems to be thrusting children into all kinds of talent exploration. Some children have given up at not having won a talent contest or not having been selected for another. One c...

Mumbai has just released its ‘fines’ data. Most fines have been levied on people peeing on roads (65%) followed by those spitting. The fines have been levied by special beat marshals who’ve been recruited to reprimand and levy fines from citizens for various reasons. There are 120 odd marshals which essentially means one marshal for 1.5 lakh citizens! The equivalent cop ratio is one cop every 50000 citizens. These beat marshals have been assigned wards within which they’re supposed to operate. I head out every day to work but haven’t seen these Marshals ever, not surprising given the ratio above. If we try and analyse how the average Marshal might work, the truth is simple. There are certainly more number of people peeing than chewing paan and spitting. Everybody needs to pee but not everyone needs to chew paan and spit. If we did then we might have bigger industry players in the paan business than just the nukkad panwala. The fines for spitting and peeing are the same. Anyone who’s li...

Am glad the old sardar finally spoke on the Tharoor controversy. Never one to be forceful but saying “it’s a joke” sent enough of a message I guess to the holy cows. But then the damage has been done. The elephant’s in the room isn’t it? Tharoor wears his personality on his ministry, totting a blackberry, frequently a mundu (traditional Malayali dhoti) and twitting through the day. Followers of his posts will vouch that while the secrets of Sharm Al sheikh haven’t been shared yet but there’s been enough to feed to curiosity of an eager intelligent polity. No wonder he has more followers now than Priyanka Chopra. Tharoor is seen as the firang in the current cabinet, suitably under the ‘Foreign minister’ label. In a party where innumerable chants of Gandhi and immeasurable measures of sycophancy might land you at best a front row seat in a rally, Tharoor is clearly an outsider. He is considered an upstart who managed to get to the corridors of power because someone sensible pushed his ...

One of my favorite brands is passing through tough times. Jet Airways, is yet to sort out the pilot mess that it has walked into. From a service perspective, pilots have always been a given in the scheme of things. Except a comment or two on the quality of landing they make, and the announcement that is made at the beginning of the flight which mentions who’s at the helm , the pilot is considered to be on auto pilot, a given. He is a bit like those faceless auto and taxiwallahs who ferry lakhs of passengers to from their destinations in Mumbai. The airline experience is defined entirely by his other colleagues, who check you in, board you, serve you and take care of you in the aluminum cabin. It’s also defined by employees who man the call centers, the ticketing offices and other touchpoints. It’s on these counts that Jet Airways has been delightful. Having flown the airline for the last 8 years fairly frequently, I can bet my last dollar on its service being on time, crisp, no nonse...

Xixi no Banho - 1 Translation(s) | dotSUB Shared via AddThis

Independence means 1. Having cutting chai thela right outside a five star 2. Randomly chatting up neighbour on bus and getting an equally heartfelt response 3. Laughing at the same jokes, cringing at the same irritants 4. Creating' Indian Chinese cuisine and then mixing it with Punjabi in the same meal 5. Having an opinion on any mundane thing and sending SMSs to a random TV poll on the same (and getting a mention on air too... rarely!) 6. Kasab getting a fair trial 7. Marrying a woman from another language, region, caste, religion, social status, upbringing and yet having a child who's inherently Indian 8. Everyone being as suspectible to swine flu ;) 9. Watching pirated DVDs and shedding genuine tears 10.Having ur finger inked every five years so what if the candidate list isn't spectacular Jai Hind

Saw a man who attempted flicking a woman’s cell phone get mercilessly bashed up by two otherwise shady looking characters who conveniently assumed a moral high ground. In Mumbai we have a term for this, it’s called “haath dhoke lena”. The other day in Surat, a mob lynched two rapists from under the nose of some cops. It didn’t help that the rapists were Muslims, good old Gujarati bias also came to the fore I guess. Shiney Ahuja and his hapless maid are both get a similar haath dhona treatment from the media and public at large. The media is peddling stories of morality, sleaze and virtue and has pronounced him guilty. It doesn’t help that his wife comes out in the open and makes some pretty obnoxious statements (“even a man can get raped”) accompanied by what looked like a kitty party jing-bang of neighbouring aunties. The poor maid of course is the butt of many an insensitive jokes doing the rounds on sms and newspapers. In Bengal, Maoists are openly challenging the Govt to fight them...

Has this been the most intelligent mandate ever by the Indian electorate? Not a particularly big fan of any party, I feel happy at the apparent logic that seems to have governed most voting patterns. Open to debate, most of the under are surmises from my limited understanding of Indian politics 1. People voted for non divisive, forward looking, development based agendas. Recrimination, slander and personality based campaigning was given the boot 2. The BJP suffered from not having a convincing clear positioning of what it stood for. A negative fallout of this defeat could be the re-emergence of Mandir based politics. India could well do without that era again 3. Every state took a hard look at who's standing and voted. There was no blinding imagery or larger than life persona effects which overtook the psyche of people. Rational voting at its best 4. It worries me that the MNS got a fair mandate in Mumbai though they never won any seat. Doesn't augur too well for the fabric of ...

Mumbai has seen a lower turnout than last time. Blame it on 1. Long weekend, most have voted with their feet for vacation spots around the city 2. Summer heat- people rather chill out at home than sweat it out poring over largely uninspiring candidate lists 3. What's in it for me- no real immediate faayda for a city used to immediate gratification 4. Offices remain open- Inspite of govt orders, offices functioned. What would you rather do, propitiate your irate boss or vote for that candidate you never ever saw? 5. Redrawing of constituencies- Familiar candidates now might be contesting from other constituencies. Unfamiliarity breeds absence I did vote, in relative comfort. Most booths were empty.

The accessories of the Father of the Nation have been rescued by the Frother of the Nation. I wonder if the great man in Khadi would have approved, cared, laughed or just shrugged it away. In true jingoistic fashion, the nation is celebrating the return of the treasure that ‘truly belongs to us’. It helps that our Knight in shining armour also happens to be the most flamboyant face of emerging India. For some, the paradox of the event is not lost. Beer baron, sybarite, ladies man, uses lucre to buy the belongings of someone who was anything but all these. There is a bigger question that needs to be asked and I dare to. Why is it that the urge to reclaim something that is ‘rightfully ours’ emerges only when an outsider attempts to capture that space. Slumdog Millionaire with all its generalizations and fantasies, made India suddenly sit up and want to stake claim for its street kids and urchins. Otherwise shoo-ed away or summarily dismissed without rolling down car windows, these kids ...

These are tough times for the sub continent. Sri Lanka thought it had won the war against the LTTE but then realized that it’s not over until it’s over. The Bangladeshi rifles went berserk, India went through 26/11, Pakistan is under ever increasing threat of falling to the Taliban and now the Lankan cricketers have been targeted in Pakistan. The Govt of India is reviewing feasibility of IPL given elections in April, May. Rubbish. Terror wars are creeping to our doors and the ploy now seems to be around doing the unexpected, taking by surprise and making the unexpected happen. I sympathize with the average Pakistani and the average Lankan. They probably don’t have too much to do with the reasons why an LTTE was born or why Taliban entered their country. Yet they seem to have been unwillingly cast in the dramatic chapters of how the terror war will ensue. They are props who will play corpses, maimed strugglers and terrified by standers. Some might go beyond their ‘designate’ roles and ...

What promised to end as an obituary now is a fantastic story of rebirth and resurrection. As you might have guessed from the title the villain, the vanquished and the villain of this story is that four letter Govt telecom company. Yours truly is a side hero, one who's as dispensible as Amar Singh's wit. Four weeks ago, the MTNL Triband connection whimpered to a halt. The data transfer light on my modem made occasional blinked like a lighthouse far away. I promptly rang the Helpline. The Help part of helpline in my opinion, needs an exclamation mark after it if it has to aptly describe the state of poor souls who seek its umbrage. A Maharashtrian aunty who had just finished cutting vegetables for the next day picked up the phone and said "Kya problem hai" I restrained pouring my heart filled with problems and told her the facts. "Complaint no 4508. Thud". I felt deprived and consigned to a shit hole like in the movie Slumdog Millionaire After a few days of wa...

Hotel Taj : icon of whose India ? Gnani Sankaran- Tamil writer, Chennai. Watching at least four English news channels surfing from one another during the last 60 hours of terror strike made me feel a terror of another kind. The terror of assaulting one's mind and sensitivity with cameras, sound bites and non-stop blabbers. All these channels have been trying to manufacture my consent for a big lie called - Hotel Taj the icon of India. Whose India, Whose Icon ? It is a matter of great shame that these channels simply did not bother about the other icon that faced the first attack from terrorists - the Chatrapathi Shivaji Terminus (CST) railway station. CST is the true icon of Mumbai. It is through this railway station hundreds of Indians from Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Rajasthan, West Bengal and Tamilnadu have poured into Mumbai over the years, transforming themselves into Mumbaikars and built the Mumbai of today along with the Marathis and Kolis But the channels would not recognise this...

Before 26th Nov, the biggest congregations in Mumbai happened at Mumbai CST and Churchgate railway stations during peak hours. A million anonymous faces jostled with each other, garnered inches, all with the common purpose of getting that prize foothold in a suburban local. Strangers and even more strangers poured in and out of these stations like a giant assembly line. In between, strange circuits sparked conversations, cricket scores, what’s the time now, can you shift a bit, is this the Borivali Fast or the Andheri slow and so on. Such transactional pieces of conversation defined the crowded space that we all shared. Elsewhere, stock prices, prices of vegetables on the street, saale ****ve baaju hat na in traffic or a more paternal baap ka rasta hai kya. This is our lingo, defined by ourselves either as the ones who launched these or the ones who received these. This common code defined the language of transaction, transaction of every kind in Mumbai. Yes there were the show of emot...