Ajith Nair

If you think this is about the futile attempts to find Osama, sorry, have better things to write about. Alternately if you thought this is about the attempt to find vegetated faces then read on, you might just find something worthwhile. My first encounter with beards occurred at the age of three. The first feared person, someone who my parents used to scare me into obeying things, had a beard. He used to stay in the vicinity and looked like he could gobble up anybody with his thick beard. As fear gave way to adolescent curiosity, the need for a moustache was prime but the fascination with the beard only grew. Especially at saloons when hirsute uncles around with thick moustaches and dense beards used to look much more in control that a meek me sitting in a corner. My admiration for the genuine care that went into the beard only grew with each visit. There was an art attached to it and sadly enough I didn’t even have the raw material. After a lot of prayer and puberty, a thin moustache ...

Angelina and Brad are hot property; they fetch much better rates than prime South Mumbai real estate. Greg Chappell gets mentioned in the papers if India loses, wins or the match gets rained off. John Wright, moderate opener, ordinary Kiwi, writes a book about Indian Cricket and sells like hot cakes. Fair and Lovely of course is the largest selling cosmetic in the country, if you discount some of Baba Ramdev’s remedies…. I watch 15 mins of news and that just about sums up my average TV viewing even on days when I have exclusive rights on the couch and feel like a potato. In those 15 mins I see Brad, Angelina and their Chinky and Negroid adopt-springs being flashed. They make a nice ad for probably Benetton or maybe racial unity. There is such a lot of ‘you know what’ reporting. E.g. “You know what Angelina boarded a local today…”You know what she also got off it”. There are journo sleuths following their motorcades, being thrown off like bad trash copy by their bodyguards, only to resi...

It’s very encouraging when I see people who otherwise don’t have even basic shelter taking a bath in the morning under public pipes. After that one liner on broadly what’s hygiene for us, let me list my pet grouses and feel good. The same set of people, whom I saw bathing (please don’t imagine me standing there and staring at those men) might have been defecating in the open if I’d decided to leave earlier or if their body clock was running slightly late. The debate on whether we have enough public loos can happen later, what matters is that shit happens, and all in the open. If you’ve stayed in buildings which have lousy acoustics which carry sounds in all directions, then you will recall, sounds of “khhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashhhhhhhhh” at various pitches, decibel levels, surs, taals emanating from all over in the morning. Men have the copyright on this sound, which for those who’re deaf or don’t have the IQ to understand what I’m saying’ refers to the art of expurgation that...

I was at Bandra Bandstand yesterday after a long long time. Nice to see that It retains its defining characteristic of land on one side, sea on the other and couples making out in between the two. In line with the growing economy and India shining, the boldness quotient of couples also seems to be going up. For Non Mumbaikars and the uninitiated let me give you both sides of the story. Then (before India Shining, Bofors, during pouted PV as PM times, when Sachin was still slogging and we still had empty trains in non peak hours) Couples made out behind rocks. And making out would mean smooching kissing n doing that over n over again simply but cos one can’t do much else. The guy would be the aggressor and the woman the ‘slightly embarrassed but not wanting to let go of the fun’ receiver. There was the constant watch of ‘innocent’ bystanders and greedy cops who sometimes had to be bribed by the hour. The innocent bystanders used to be there just to learn the act and understand what to d...

Odd shaped posteriors in men are a frequent sight in Mumbai. Any conclusions on whether such observations form my favorite pastime may please be reserved till the end of this piece. There are multiple reasons for this apparent deformity. Genetics and the fact that the Brits kicked our backside too often could be the case. The other more plausible reason, I ‘figure’, is the presence of the wallet in the rear pocket. It’s not the wallet per se; it’s the wallet’s contents. The way we eat, the way we live and the way we stuff our wallets are all indicative of the same mindset. Our typical food is the thali, a serving of all that one could ask for during the course of a meal, served within the same circumference. Plates are stuffed to the edge with Papads tilted over achars and salads. Our houses are clustered settings, next to each other; cozy neighbourhoods are getting even cozier, congested in my opinion. Wallets are repositories of what was, what is and what may be. Some of the contents...

Mumbai is a vertical city. It reaches the heights of intolerance, impatience, gonnda-giri, bonhomie, floods and every possible event that you might imagine. To such a city of extremes, the presence of the double decker on its roads is a fitting tribute. The double decker represents an extreme of bus travel- both good and bad depending on the nature of the experience that you’ve had. My first sight of a double decker was that of the long necked one, which looked a bit like a crane lying flat on its belly. The driver was well cut off from the rest of the bus and seemed to enjoy supreme powers. Those didn’t last long I presume. The versions that are currently on draw the driver close in and hold the whole package tight. The driver is still cut off from the passenger compartment by a grill that makes one feel like prisoners sometimes. The joy of the double decker is obviously at the top. The bottom layer can almost be treated as a must have for holding the top up that’s all. The exhilarati...

The Carribeans are simple people. There’s beer, there’s calypso and then there’s cricket. In between mundane things like work n family happen. When beer’s inside, sunshine outside and the sweet sound of Lara middling Mc Grath- its pure heaven,. If any of those bearded bajaans had been at the Brabourne they’d have sobbed the beer out of them or maybe they’d have hurled some empty bottles in the direction of the Windies dressing room. The Windies, to sum it up, as Lara succinctly put it (much like his pull shot), had a stage fright. I know what they’re saying as I have gone through it in detail. Stage Fright for me began in class I when I couldn’t spell either Stage or Fright. I was pushed into Poetry recitation Competition by my English teacher simply because I had scored the most in English. The written word doesn’t guarantee Caesar like oratory else even Shakespeare would have been Churchill right? So after mumbling a mix of defiance, sorrow and the only two lines I could recall I ran...

In Mumbai and maybe in India at large, man and dog alike have mastered the art of instant sleep. There are multiple motivations behind this phenomenon, the first one of course being the much talked about, how under-slept we all are. The other is sleep spaces are at a premium, which might be causing under sleeping in the first place, vocations like call centers with the ‘graveyard shift’ don’t help the 'sleep well' cause. The most faithful of all animals, leads the evolution of instant sleepers. Stray dogs in Mumbai are leading lights in somnolence of all kinds. It isn’t rare to find a dog that’s nestled under your parked car, sound asleep but with enough warning systems in place to make way the moment you turn the ignition. In the most crowded market places of Mumbai you’ll find millions of legs and hands and in between them mongrels that are fast asleep. They are part of the Mumbaikar’s conscience and I’ve never seem anybody trip over them or step on them. If anybody does, the...

I don’t have too many memories of the 1983 World Cup or earlier. I just remember seeing my first test match in 1984 on TV when the fearful Malcolm Marshall was pulverizing Indians. My elder neighbour used to tell me that the West Indies could bowl any batsmen out whenever they wanted. I was baptized into believing that bowling like the West Indies do is the most appealing part of cricket. I turned myself into a rookie fast bowler, enrolled for a coaching camp. I would bowl like the West Indies do, provided the batsmen batted like Papua New Guinea. What was encouraging was that the senior members of the club started calling me Walsh. I later understood that the nick was not because of my bowling accuracy but rather due to the fact that I did a particularly poor imitation of him in bowling. The next season, Sportstar started the star poster offer with every issue and I remember plastering the wall above my study table with Waqar Wasim, Ambrose and Walsh. Ambrose though was the new heart ...

I write this in response to a new item that seems to be in all papers. A series of tragic accidents have plagued highways leading into and out of Mumbai. Entire families have been wiped out and a family which was carrying its son’s body (who incidentally died in another accident) also met with a tragic end. Our idea of speed is like in the movies when Amitabh and his kin man oeuvre the biggest of vehicles through the narrowest of lanes while dodging 20 bullets and with one arm protecting the heroine. Our in city driving, while not fast at all, is all about cutting lanes and gunning for that 4 sq inch of space that is available. This means overtaking the overtaker and while on the highway knocking at the Undertakers. I’ve experienced the Goa Highway, where these accidents occurred first hand. Conveying that experience will be limited by my ability with words but it still sends shivers down my spine. It’s a three lane highway which means that traffic in both directions is fighting for a ...

Finally watched Munnabhai today...the movie that has relaunched Gandhiji. He is the Father of the nation, though wherever he is today, might not want to stake claim to that title! The movie is an entertainer for sure and like Rang De Basanti has apparently done lots apart from just running to packed halls and selling more popcorn….Sales of My Experiments with Truth have gone up and all kinds of Gandhi merchandise have taken off… Personally, until now, the Mahatma was just that, a Mahatma. He was, to use a crude comparison a bit like Sachin….everybody looks up to him and wants to emulate him but when it comes to doing things his way its tough man, bloody tough. The movie gave me a fresh perspective or should I say rekindled one. Munnabhai tries to simplify things and that’s where its success lies. It tries to convey I guess, that all of us have a Gandhi in ourselves. I remember a public service message that used to be run by the Lok Seva Sanchar Parishad on DD many years ago that showed...

I had the opportunity to visit some of the bigger Indian cities recently. Earlier visits to different cities were marked by a mix of anticipation, uncertainty, curiosity and a lot of advice on what to do and where to shop and so on and so forth. There was an unwritten rule with most people that I know that you pickup something unique from the city- either as souvenir or as consumable. So with Delhi it could be the Petha, with Kolkata the Sandesh, down south you could actually carry back some fresh brewed coffee and so on. Got a fresh slightly different and disturbing perspective this time. The rate at which most Indian cities are growing is min boggling (sorry that’s not disturbing!). Now you don’t need to get to the city from the airport, the city probably has already come to you. Except Mumbai where anything can be constructed almost anywhere anyone likes, the other cities had airports in the outskirts. The journey from the airport to the city used to be a build up of sorts. Bigger s...

Have been living out of a suitcase and airplane for the last four days. Some fundamental questions need to be cleared before I can breathe easy. Be warned you might feel insulted by some of these as you might be guilty of some of these acts 1. I am 6ft tall almost. Am ogre like and hard to miss. Yet at airports gentlemen and not so gentle women pass through me to get to the counter as if I don’t exist. I was making way for the guy who was exiting and there you go, you had a fat Delhi bred Punju woman who had defied her ample self and occupied my rightful place at the check in counter. Now you know why Punjab is closest to the border. The whole state probably wrestled its way there. (Sorry for this rather emotional outburst!) 2. Have you seen the run for your lives scramble that happens when the flight boarding announcement takes place? I wonder whether the guys who queue up first at departure actually reach the destination earlier. 3. Anytime of the day or night, all air travelers have...

I have always looked at this with a mix of awe, marvel and sheer abhorrence. There is something about the guy behind the wheel that is worth marveling about and let me tell you why. Most roads in Mumbai are after thoughts. They were wrestled out of what remained after everyone had grabbed their piece of the land action. In such after thoughts where fresh air is at a premium and parallel lines coincide, getting a full blown BEST bus to even move to move is an art, to say the least. It takes immense patience when every possible animal, man, woman and child would want to cross the road before the bus passes them by. Then there is the ubiquitous rick wallah whose ability to move 360 in the same spot is a gift from the powers that be. Last but not the least there is the hawker whose prime objective in life seems to be to take as much of the main street to himself. Now for the abhorrence bit. A secret not yet revealed part of the BEST training to its drivers in about how to intimidate everyo...

“So what you doin this weekend?” is the most common refrain that one’s hearing this week. This weekend, for those who aren’t tuned in yet, happens to be a ‘long’ one. The Father of the Nation was born on the 2nd October which “fortunately falls on a Monday this time”. So all us folks who are overworked, under and overpaid and couldn’t care two hoots about Gandhiji’s life or death will be in drunken stupor after two days of partying or doing our own movie watching or socializing on that day. Many of us, including yours truly, are planning to watch the Gandhigiri themed Munnabhai on that day. That film incidentally stars someone who has been a drug addict and accused in the Mumbai blast case of 1993. Gandhiji meanwhile will continue to smile at us from walls in schools, as statues in the centre of towns, as main roads in all cities.

Lakshmi died day before. She was knocked down by a speeding truck, very close to where I stay. I used to see Lakshmi being bathed by a cackle of local street urchins, all having the time of their lives. This used to happen right next to the highway and used to be a quite a sight for passersby. She would be most patient, wallowing in the attention that she deservedly got. The mahout of course, used all the labour that he could get, that too for free.I have never seen a more obedient animal. She followed instructions to the T, whether out of fear or love we’ll never know. The mahout as has been widely written now, used her to make money. That would mean everything from taking part in temple festivals to actually begging on roads. I don’t know what’s more cruel- being displaced from her natural habitat for life, being made to walk miles on concrete which she obviously doesn’t enjoy, not getting her fill everyday, being made to beg…the list is endless. The mahout had his reasons am sure, b...

I have been on Orkut for the last four months. There are changes that it has brought about, some incremental, and some monumental. For one its just picks up your network and puts it up for everyone to see. It also puts up the conversations that you are having with others on public display through the scrapbook. So while it is a voyeur’s delight it is also a subtle reinforcement that “all is well with me cos people are scrapping me”. Orkut marries the multiple worlds that we inhabit. It also brings together the past and the present in the same window, literally. In that sense it is the best forum to identify the Connectors as Malcolm Gladwell defines them in Tipping Point. My multiple worlds have brought back identities that I had lost as I grew into newer things. I rediscovered that I used to be poet and quite keen on maths theorems. I also was reminded by this sweet friend of mine that I was a drummer with the college band. The latest positive reinforcement came from someone that I sp...

The BEST has put up signboards at every bus stop which say ‘for the Handicap to board n alight’. These signboards have been there for the last couple of months. The design says that BEST buses will stop right next to those signboards so that it becomes easy for the handicapped. Trust BEST guys to have a heart. Full grown young men like me, have problems sometimes getting into BEST buses simply put because the driver decides that this stop doesn’t look worth stopping at. Hardly the ‘best’ people to provide special service to the handicapped. Is there any science that goes into designing seats for the handicapped? Those of you who have taken the BEST will realize what I am trying to get at. The only positive that I see about the seats reserved for the handicapped is that it’s right next to the exit. That’s all. Let me try and list the downsides 1. The size of the single seat right upfront is the pits. Its can accommodate kids but not full grown adults 2. Any adult sitting in that seat wi...

My first reaction when I heard that the Dutch had detained some Indian passengers on a whim was one of outrage. On second thoughts, I did think “some of us do deserve it though. The way we don’t respect anybody’s privacy or have this general feeling that all rules can be broken, circumvented and they were not meant for us anyways” Well that saga ended but the thought lingered. Today, on my way back home, there was an absolute pest of a creation sitting close by who deserved to be among the Dutch detainees or maybe even in Guantanamo Bay. He prided himself in being loud and clear on his cell phone. Given his decibel, he really didn’t need one. He was discussing centrifuges, process temperature and how to mix chocolate with nuts (synonymous with personality). He works with Cadbury, he made that loud and clear too. Subtle and obvious looks of irritation from your truly and other passengers only fueled the monologue. In half an hour the whole bus and probably all the neighboring traffic ha...

I was at a senior colleague’s place today for lunch. The spread was a sumptuous south Indian fare, ranging from rasam vadai to bisibella bath, various kinds of dosa made to order. So while I helped myself to repeat helpings of sambar and bisi bella bath, I wondered how this North Indian friend of mine could manage such lovely fare, his wife too is from the North. A polite enquiry disguised in the form of a compliment let Anna out of the bag. Apparently the whole lunch was outsourced. So there u had this team of Tamils led by Anna who had made his kitchen theirs for the last three hours or so. They had come prepared, with the large tava which could do multiple dosas at any time, the atta, all the condiments to sprinkle and the works. My friend and his wife could rest and chat with everyone who’d come, with attention to the kitchen being required off and on. Which brings me to the whole thought that’s been haunting me ever since. Whenever we had guests over mom was in the kitchen doing t...