Home is where the heart is

The Delhi rape is a shocker. Every rape is a shocker. Every rape is one rape too many. It’s an insult to our culture, our past, our nationhood and the defining values of our society. Yet, we cannot negate a rape because it wasn’t done by people like us or daresay it didn’t happen to us. Am sorry, that is a convenient sidestep that we the Indian middle class have perfected. We can’t afford to do so any longer or any more.


I am not linking this to just the Delhi rape. I am linking this to all incidents in the recent past, that were supposed to shake the foundations of our morality, most of them did, yet we accepted and move on- EMIs to pay, promotions to earn, movies to watch. Some of us at least stood up and said “enough is enough”, held up candles, organized protests, sent texts in support, signed petitions. Well done. But not enough done.

How is this inaction acting on all of us? Are we feeling guilty, many of us are! We wear the guilt strongly in words, justify lack of action by describing worldly burdens or the classic “What can one person change”. Hold it. Let me offer a suggestion for action.

How secure do you make your child feel? How easily can they confide in you? Do they see you as a parent, a tyrant, a friend or a joker? No I have not mixed up blog posts but the fundamental cause to dysfunctional thinking of any kind, either as an aggressor or as a victim, is the childhood experience at home.

Childrens’ worldview is shaped by watching and absorbing. The prime sources of these messages, both directly and subliminally are parents. I know it makes you feel intimidated. But take a couple of deep breaths; it also makes you feel empowered. A child develops a relationship with the world, even before he or she formally interacts with it. The nature of this relationship is governed by how the parents constructed that world for the child. So if a boy grows up to be an aggressor, something in his immediate environment at home has contributed if not created it. If a girl feels like a victim, she has had victimhood coded through what she saw happening at home.

We, especially men, have a rather difficult task at hand. We have grown up with a sense of entitlement vis-à-vis women, and guess who created it, right, our mothers, in most cases. If you had elder sisters or even younger ones they added their share of sacrifice and love to this grand journey called a male, you. We need to somehow remove these tinted glasses through which we view the world. I can see many of you going “I don’t need to, am not that way”. Am sorry but all of us in our own ways are. We have our own unconscious biases in how we deal with girls, women, speak about them. If biases are unconscious, how do we deal with them?

One, accept that there is need for change. Shed the attitude that this is not about me or about people like us. Shape small messages in a safe secure environment to your boys and girls. Make them feel that they live in world where they are wanted cared for and loved. The need for aggression usually arises because there is a score to settle either with oneself or with the world. Two, step in where you can. Lead by example, however small. My 2.5 yr old daughter has often pointed out, point blank that she followed me in doing something, good and not so good. Third, respect is not overrated, inculcate in children the feeling that everyone has their place under the sun, is living with a purpose and deserves respect. Four, apologise often, rewind the day, and examine actions and words. You’ll find gems to cut, stones to weed. Five, don’t stop at blogs, walk to the nearest welfare centre or police station. Make yourself available in your own small way. For any social cause, any community cause, anything

Let’s do this right away. We owe it to our children and their India.